Okay today on the podcast I have Sam Tishner. I’m glad to have you on today.
Thank you very much. I’m glad to be here.
Today you’ll talk about the necessary steps for self healing after divorce. Can you take a minute and tell us what made you want to write this book?
Well, for me, it was when I was going through my second divorce. You know, I think of myself, I try to be a good person, you know, I, I feel like you know, I, I don’t have a lot of crazy in me. I’m, I’m usually pretty calm. And as I was going through my second divorce, it was, you know, why me? What, what in the heck am I doing wrong? You know, the first divorce. Okay. You know, looking at that, we, we have some issues, but then as I went through my second divorce, it’s like, okay, twice this, this has got to be something that either I’m not looking at right.
Or not processing right. For it to happen twice in my life. So I really started researching and trying to figure out, okay, how is it that I can be happy? Where, where am I missing something in my life? And through the research, I realized that with the divorce that definitely takes, you know, to, to make it work or not work. But I also realized that I didn’t love and appreciate who I was. So therefore I wasn’t attracting somebody who would love and appreciate me the way that I deserved. So through kind of my journey I would have to say it, it hit me one day of, okay, you need to write a book, you need to put this down, you need to share it with others. And it was just an overwhelming sense. Had you told me two years ago, three years ago that I was going to write a book.
I would have told you, you were absolutely crazy, but no, it just, it kind of came and it was one of those things that never left. So I started working on it and you know, my, my goal is that maybe it will help, you know, somebody through and help them to find, you know, a peace and a joy in their life.
And at the very beginning you had said that you also came from a child of a divorced family. And so you had made a commitment to yourself. You’d never get divorced. And then, you know, you found yourself going through a divorce, which I think is really common in relatable as well, but also the tagline for your book. When I was reading through it, it felt like really it could be applied for anyone who comes out of any relationship.
Yes, absolutely. And that is one of the things that I feel happened with me is I lost myself and it is so easy for somebody, you know, you’re a mother, you work full time, whether it’s in the home or whether it’s out, you know there are so many demands and or things that you just feel you want to dive into that it’s so easy to lose ourselves and all of that. And especially in relationships when we’re trying to balance it all, we can definitely get lost. And, you know, even though this is a book that with my tagline, it’s healing after divorce, to be honest, it is one of those just healing period you know, necessary steps to heal who you are and find who you are. Again, I agree with that throughout the book.
Can you talk to us a little bit about what those steps are through your journey, how you discovered what those steps were well through my journey?
Like I said, I, I researched a lot of different things. I found a lot of great authors like Gabby Bernstein Renee Brown dr. Wayne Dyer Louis hay. There are just so many authors out there that really speak to you know, finding who you are and finding happiness in your world. And what I actually found myself doing when I went to write the book was when I started through my second divorce, I started journaling and I could see a transition in my journaling from in the beginning of, okay, what’s wrong with me? What have I done wrong? What, how could all of this happened? You know, everything was my fault. Everything was me, I’m the broken one.
And as I went through, like the first year, I could see where I started finding different things and implementing different things in my life to help me heal. And that’s kind of where the chapters in the steps of the book is going back through that journal and saying, okay, you know, forgiveness, that’s, that’s something huge to be able to forgive yourself, to be able to forgive others and to really go through that, you know finding self love and love and appreciation and who you are. I don’t think that was something that I ever did. The first time I went to celebrate me for my accomplishments, I mean, it was totally overwhelming experience, but it was wonderful to really get through that. So the 10 steps are just the different things that I saw as I was reviewing that journal of the different things that I went through and the importance that it was for me to get through it and to find a peace and to be able to move on. And it’s still steps that I use today. I would love to say that yet after all that everything’s perfect. I’m great. Everything’s wonderful. Oh my goodness. I go back to them all the time to kinda refresh my memory of, Oh yeah. That’s, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. That’s where I’m supposed to be.
In one of the steps. You talk about three different kinds of people, a taker giver, and you call them happy, a happy person. And the taker is someone who loves themselves, or they don’t care for others who sees fault in themselves. And someone who is happy or healthy is someone who loves themselves and loves others. And you said that typically someone who is a giver ends up with a taker. You said also the ideal person obviously is to be the healthy person. And how did you find that?
Well, like it, it showed any illustration, the and like you mentioned, a lot of times it is people tend to judge themselves and don’t have the love and appreciation for themselves. But those that are givers, you know, they are someone who’s easy for somebody who’s considered a taker to kind of look at, because if you’re a giver you’re gonna give above and beyond.
So, you know, it’s kind of easy. I’m not sure that target or pray, those sound like really harsh words like somebody’s coming after you or trying to focus on you. And I don’t think that that’s what it is. I think it’s just, that’s how the attraction works. And if you, to be able to find that balance, especially if you are somebody who is a giver you need to find that love for yourself. You need to go through the steps and really understand who you are, look at, who you are, define who you want to be, and really take the steps that you need to, to get to that place in your life. So it’s finding that balance between the two. And if you’re a giver, you’re always going to have that heart to give. But it’s, if you can find more of a balance on an everyday basis, and that’s where, you know, you’re attracting somebody who loves you as much as you love yourself.
And it really just helps to balance your life overall and learning to give to yourself too. I think yes, absolutely. Taking the time for self care and doing things that is important to you. You know, there are many of us that, Oh, I’ve got to give to the family, I’ve got to give to the kids, I’ve got to do this for my spouse. I gotta do this for my job. I’ve got it. And so you make time for all of that. Okay. If there’s extra time, I’ll do something for me where instead of, to be honest, you should be top on your list. You should do something that’s good for you. Whether it’s meditation time or reading a book or doing exercise taking a bath you know, something that’s calming and soothing for you. That’s taking care of you personally. We need to put those things on the top of our list. We need to fill our cup so that we have enough to give to others. And a lot of times we don’t fill our cup. First, we just give, give, give, and then we’re totally drained. So it’s, it’s so important to find those self care routines, the things that bring you joy and peace, make sure that you put that top of your list during the day. And then that way you’re able to help and fill others and be the best that you can be.
So another quote I really liked in your book that I feel is really relatable is you had said I’m a single woman with not one, but two failed marriages. You were pregnant at age 25, over half my daughter’s life. I’ve been a single mom. I felt I was not worthy of love, a good relationship or a happily ever after marriage think so many of us can relate to that when we’ve been through a failed marriage or, you know, got pregnant at a young age, not being married, but then you kind of flip this, flip the script a little bit. When you said I can choose to live my life as a victim or process my feelings and leave the past in the past where it belongs. I started with one small and the ripple effect continue to grow and change my life.
Yes, yes, absolutely. And that is one of the things that I struggled with at the very beginning when I was going through all of this was trying to get past everything that I felt that maybe I did wrong or that were mistakes that I made in my life, whether it was my early years, whether it was during my youth, whether it was, you know, as I’ve, I’ve gotten a little bit older I’ve told my daughters many times that we go through things in life to make us who we need to be at the time that we’re at. And I’ve gone through a lot of crazy stuff in my life. You know, some of it self-inflicted some of it inflicted by others, but it is one of those things that I’m aware I am today because of all of that. So it’s kind of, it’s molded me and I have to accept the fact that, okay, this is what I did right.
Or wrong. And it’s in the past, it’s something I need to learn from what can I gain from that? And how do I move on from it? So, you know, there’s a lot of great things out there that you can research for, you know, your self healing or forgiveness. You know, if you take those steps to do the work, to really face what you’ve done to let go of it, then it’s amazing how it just releases so much of your life. And you tend to not think about it or worry about it, or let it affect who you are now or in the future. So, and that’s the ideal place to be is to be able to, you know, not dwell on the past because it is what it is and I don’t want it to affect my future. So part of it is making that decision and then to take the steps, to keep moving through and working through it.
So, yes with each chapter, there are few steps in each chapter and if you start doing the steps and like I said, in the book, it may not all be for you, you know, maybe you don’t like journaling which is fine, or maybe, you know, there, there are different things in there that you’re, you’re not sure that you like, the big thing is understanding what the concept is of each chapter and the things that you have to do, like healing, your heart forgiveness being able to let the past go. And even if there’s something in my book that, okay, that doesn’t make sense, some sense to me, or doesn’t relate to me find something that does, there’s so much information out there to be able to find what works for you or what’s most comfortable for you, but it’s a matter of really kind of checking the boxes to try and go through those steps.
And some things, you know, you start working on and it seems to come easy and there are other things that you continue to struggle with. But as long as you keep trying to take the steps to move forward, then it’s amazing how much easier each step kind of gets and how much easier it is to move forward and find, you know, a happiness and a peace and a love for who you are.
Great. Do you have any last words for the single mom out there who’s stuck and in her head from her last relationship?
Yes. And it is you know, just being able to look in the mirror at that beautiful face, that’s staring back, look into your eyes and tell yourself that you love yourself. Just like you would a child. I love you, Sam. I appreciate you. Even if it’s something that you say that you don’t necessarily believe those first few times say it daily, just continue to go through it.
And eventually your brain is going to click into that. And you’re going to start to see yourself in a better place. You know, you are worthy of a beautiful life and a beautiful love whether that’s romantic or in any relationship that you have in your life. You know, each of us are put on this earth for a purpose and, you know, it’s a good purpose. We just have to find our way to that purpose. So my words would be just, you know, find your path, whether it is through my book, whether it’s finding a coach to help you, whether it’s going into therapy or some sort of counseling, you know, take a step, you are worth the time to invest in you. So you know, I just want to encourage everybody to just take those first couple of steps and see what all unfolds.
Great. Thank you. And where can listeners find you?
New Speaker (17:17):
I have a website. It is called I choose store.com. And on there I have a blog that I try to write it with every week and you can find my book on that store as well as my contact information, if you would be interested in any type of coaching or help..
Okay, great. Thank you.