This is Jen from grace, for single parents where you’re parenting and God’s grace collide
Today on the podcast. I have Kimberly, who’s going to talk to us about the four different areas that we can work on for ourselves to be the best person that we can be. So welcome Kimberly to the podcast.
Thank you Jen, for having me. I appreciate it.
Yes. So can you take a minute to introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about what you’re working on?
Sure, absolutely. So like you said, my name is Kimberly Holmes and I am a wife. I’m a mom. I have two kids that are five years old and three years old. And I’m also the CEO of an organization called marriage helper. And I’m a CEO of another organization called PIES University. And in, in both of those organizations with marriage helper, I’ve been, I’ve been there for 10 years now. And we work with couples who are struggling, many of which include divorcing.
And even after participant’s divorce, if their marriage can’t be saved, we continue to work with those people who are, you know, they’re trying to get some sense of normalcy back in their life. They’re trying to find who they are again, unfortunately, so many times when a marriage ends so much of a person’s identity is completely up ended and changed completely. And so we teach concepts to people that help them, whether they’re in a relationship or not, but especially after a relationships, a relationship ends in order to become their best self again, to get their self esteem back to realize that they are worthy, they are loved. They, you know, they have a future going forward. And so one of the things that we’re going to talk about today really has caught on with that audience, which is how do I, I get my sense of self worth back.
How do I work on becoming the most attractive that I can be? And that’s what prompted me to start a second organization called pies university. And we’ll get into what that means in a minute, but it’s all about how to teach and encourage and empower people to become the best versions of themselves that they can be.
Yeah, absolutely. And I think so much of this resonates with me and I think the audience too, because when you do get divorced or you in a relationship, you know, you’re 100% in that relationship and then you go through so much leaving the relationship and then you’re stuck with the kids and you’re 100% in the kids. And then you completely forget who you are. And then the kids get a little bit older and then you’re left with, you know, what do I do? Who am I, or the kids may still be young, but then they leave every weekend, go to the other parent’s house.
And then you’re just stuck with this silent house. And you’re no longer a wife you’re, you’re no longer in that relationship and then maybe a weekend or so you’re no longer a mom and you’re just kind of left with what do I do? Who am I? So I think this is great for us to go through. And I’m really excited for you to dig into that.
Yeah. Well, thank you. Thank you, Jen. You know, even what you were just saying, when so much of our time, our effort as women and as moms is tied into what we do, it can seem that way. You know, what am I doing for my children? Am I, you know, am I doing a good job, helping them with their homework or homeschooling them or teaching them how to be kind to each other, you know? And so then when we do have those moments where our kids are gone and we are left with ourselves, what I’ve struggled with, what I know many other women have struggled with is that that thought of who am I?
And it can be even hard to sit still or to be alone in the house because we’re so used to going, going, going, focusing on everyone else, focusing on everyone else. And one of the things that I love to encourage women about is it’s okay to focus on you. And in fact, it’s because of being able to focus on you and filling up your own cup, that you will then have more to give from. And so many women say, you know, especially single moms, right? Where do I have the time, maybe every other weekend, if the kids are gone, but if they’re not, and I’m a full time mom and I’m working and I’m doing all this, I’m not going to lie. It is hard. It can be very difficult, but I hope that the things that you and I discussed today will at least start paving a foundation and giving an idea of what you, what your audience with these ladies, these wonderful ladies can do to start getting some of their identity back, finding themselves again, and feeling empowered in that as well.
Absolutely. So do you want to go ahead and walk us through what your PIES stands for?
Yes, absolutely. So one of the things that we did at marriage helper, our founder his name is dr. Joe beam several years ago, he looked through how do people fall in love? And he went and he looked through all the research and he found that there’s actually four steps to falling in love. The first of which is attraction. Now the interesting thing, Jen, is that the majority of time when people hear the word attraction, we typically think it’s all about how I look. I need to lose weight. I need to eat better. You know, I need to have a different hairstyle, whatever it might be, we spend so much time trying to change our looks. But in actuality, the physical part of attraction is only one aspect of attraction.
And it’s not even the most important aspect of attraction. The four areas are physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual, and here is what those four kind of breakdown into. So the physical doesn’t have as much to do with how you look as how you feel inside. Do I feel good in my body or do I have pain? Do I have digestive issues? Do I have sleep problems? Am I stressed out? You know, what are those things that are physically affecting me that are stopping me from even moving forward into the rest of these areas of attraction? Just because I don’t feel good. I don’t have the energy. That’s what that physical attraction piece focuses on. And when we begin to focus on that on feeling better, our confidence starts to increase. We feel better about ourselves. Our self esteem can increase and we haven’t even changed how we look.
We’ve just changed how we feel about ourselves internally, which then can let us look forward into that next part, which is intellectual attraction. So intellectual attraction, when it comes to thinking about us as an individual has to do with what are we learning? What are we continuing to expand our mind on? You know, are we reading? Are we listening to podcasts? Are are you, you know, maybe you’re wanting to finish a degree that you’ve started, but never, never finished. And we’re just continuing to grow in our minds and our thoughts and the things that we’re learning so that we can become the kind of person that people love to talk to. Because we, we know about stuff. We want to talk about stuff we want to continue to learn and grow and deepen ourselves in that way. There’s another aspect of the intellectual attraction that has to do with controlling our thoughts.
You know, we, I don’t know about you, but for me, it’s amazing how many negative thoughts I can have on a day to day basis just about myself, not even about things going on in the world or in my life, but just, Oh, you know, I wish my thighs were smaller. I, I can’t believe that I just ate that cake, whatever it might be. There’s just these negative thoughts. And so part of this intellectual attraction, when it comes to how we think has to do with controlling our thoughts and having more positive thoughts about ourselves, replacing those negative thoughts, taking control of some of those worries and anxieties that we have in being intentional about being not, not fake positive, but just really being intentional on seeing the good things that are happening in life. And then we come to that emotional part of attraction, because for me, it’s very much, if I don’t feel good at like that physical part, then it’s hard for me to think, right?
I’m beating myself up. If I’m not thinking right then it’s hard for me to act well towards other people and treat other people the way that they should be treated. And that emotional part of attraction really is one of the most important parts. Because if I am not able to treat myself with my thoughts, with my actions, the grace, I give towards myself in a way that evokes positive emotions within me, then I’m stuck in a body and a mind with a person that I don’t like to be around because of the things I’m saying to myself. But it’s the same with how we act towards other people. You know, if I’m frustrated because I don’t feel good because of what my thoughts are doing. And I take that out on my daughter, when she keeps asking the question, why was she when she’s, you know, trying to learn how to write a certain word or something like that?
Why does the bell curve in that way? Why does it look like a D if I’m frustrated with all of these other things in my life, I’m probably not going to be patient with her. I’m probably not going to want to hear the questions. And I’m probably going to act towards her out of irritation and in a way that isn’t going to make her feel good about being around me, which is not the way that I want to be a mom. It’s not the way I want to come across to her, but it could even be the way you interact with friends or coworkers, just because of everything else going on. And so that emotional part of attraction really has to do with am I evoking emotions within myself and within others that they enjoy feeling. And then that brings us to the spiritual part of attraction, the S which has to do with beliefs and values.
It doesn’t necessarily have to do with religion. Although religion has a huge influence on the beliefs and values that we have, but our beliefs and values also come from childhood, you know, experiences that we’ve had throughout life. Things that we saw our parents do. I grew up in a household where my father was a very generous tipper when we went out to restaurants. And so I ended up being instilled this belief in me of, you know, we treat people who wait on us, waitstaff, cashiers, whoever that might be, we treat them with respect. And, you know, we can see that right now in the middle of this pandemic, that’s happening. It’s very true. The people who are out there serving us who in times before might’ve been seen as lower in society are now the people who are letting our world function and letting us run.
And so, you know, that was a belief that was instilled for me from an experience, from something I was taught and, and all of those things play into it. Now, when I begin living, not in line with my beliefs and values. So the example I just gave, you know, I believe that waitstaff should be treated with respect. Well, if I’m irritated, I’ve had a terrible day. I go to a restaurant and I treat my waitress like crap. Then I’m going to feel even worse about myself, because all of a sudden I’ve stepped into not only was I a jerk today, but I also went against what I believe in what I value in other people. And so when we begin to act out of line with those beliefs and values, then it can cause some of the, that identity dissonance, where all of a sudden, you know, work confused about maybe what we believe or how we act.
And it’s getting back in line with, with acting in a way that is in line with our beliefs and values that makes us more spiritually attractive to ourselves and to others. So that’s the basic premise I talked for a long time, but that’s the basic premise of what PI’s is and kind of how it looks in the life of real people.
So is this a process that you work through? Like you start with the physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual, or is it a continual thing where you’re always working on all four in tandem? Or how does, how does that work? How do you envision that?
You know, that’s a great question with a lot of the clients we’ve had and people that I’ve worked with it, it kind of differs because some people you start, I start working with them and it becomes very clear on the front end that there’s a very specific section of this, that they are struggling with most so, and a lot of times it happens to be either the physical part or the emotional part or combination of the two.
But, you know, there’s definitely people who they’re just like my stress is out of control. I’m not sleeping, right. I’m eating like crap. And so we start there so that they can start feeling better, but for other people, it’s, I can’t get control of how I’m treating myself, I’m treating other people. And so we start, and maybe we’re working on anger, maybe we’re working on forgiveness, forgiving a situation that’s happened in their past. So it changes depending on the person, but overall, these are never areas that we perfect. We don’t get to a point where I am. I’m a hundred percent in all areas. So I can just move on. These are always something that we are excelling and chasing towards and getting better at, even if it’s 1% every day. So, and it’s even just being mindful, you know, I’m mindful on a daily basis.
What am I doing to work on my I today? Am I, you know, maybe I spend some time meditating, maybe I spend some time reading what am I doing to work on that spiritual aspect of me and for people who are religious that could very well be spending time in prayer or in scripture, whatever their religion might be, but it could also be, what am I doing to serve others? If that’s in line with my beliefs and values, am I reaching out to my neighbor and my donating some food to the food pantry? Am I seeing the greater need outside of what is just in my four walls of my body, in my house? You know, how can I, how can I make a greater impact on the world around me, which is definitely part of that spiritual part of attraction. And so it’s something we’re always working on and working towards.
So at the beginning you mentioned that these were the four areas that people look for in a mate, or it’s the four areas that I don’t remember. You said something about that people fall in love with, with each other. But this is not as much as we might like it to be. It’s not necessarily a perfect recipe for finding love, right? So for a single person, the purpose of working through this is more finding your true self or, or getting back to your best self, right? I mean, it’s not necessarily, or is it to help you find somebody?
It can be, but what I began to see and working with people, because that’s actually how we first started talking about pies. We would, we talked about it with the clients that we were working with, who were married, who had a spouse that was straying for whatever reason they wanted out of the marriage, they were having an affair, whatever it might be.
And so we taught this aspect of PIES in the sense of you do it for you. You always do the PIES for you first. And if anything works in order to get your, to bring your spouse back, this will, well, the downside of that, Jen was that people didn’t really hear the first part. All they could focus on was, well, I’m just going to do this to get my spouse back. And here’s why that never works. Even if you’re single and you’re trying to do this to attract someone else to you, you know, in order to get a mate, if you’re doing it for that reason, then your focus is off. And you’re never going to have a, a true view of what the PIES is, and then working on yourself, because you’re going to always be comparing what you’re doing based on how someone else might be reacting to you.
So say that you’re working, you know, you’ve, you’re doing this, you’re, you’re working on your pies and you’ve been doing it for a month, whatever that might be. And you go out to some kind of event, maybe it’s at, you know, some kind of singles event. And you’re just expecting, because you’ve been doing this to have a ton of guys come and talk to you. And, or at least a couple of them have some conversations. You know, if that’s what you’re looking for, and then you go to that event, maybe you have great conversations, but it doesn’t end up, you know, it going further than what you hoped it would. Then you might go home and say, well, that doesn’t work. I’m just going to stop. And you get back into this pit of despair and where you don’t know where you, who you are, you still are struggling with your identity because the focus was off.
That’s why we, I especially encourage people to say, you have to do it for you first you to feel good about yourself, to get your confidence back, to find your identity. You’re doing this for you. So then if you go to an event and you have amazing conversations, then you’re focusing on what you have done, how maybe instead of focusing on how others are responding to you, you’re focused on how can I add value to other people? How can I meet a ton of amazing people here? You know, you’re not as much focused on what you get. You’re more focused on what you give. And there is a byproduct of this, which is when you have that focus of not being prideful, not being completely self-absorbed, that’s not what this is about, but when you have the focus of I’m going to be the best that I can in all four of these areas, and I’m not going to be perfect every day, but I’m going to keep trying, then you begin to change and people begin seeing that.
And then you do attract people who are more like that than maybe you were before. There’s that phrase like attracts, like if I’m continuing to work on being the best that I can be physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, then I have a better opportunity to attract people towards me, whether that’s, you know, just friends or, or romantically that are also going to be working on, then becoming the best that they can be physically, intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. So there’s no negative that comes from this. There’s only positive.
Okay, awesome. So where can people find out more about working with you.
So I started PIES’s university several months ago out of this. Want of people just loving this concept of pies are the audience calls it, working on my pies? And so you can go to PI’s university.com and join the mailing list. The website is pretty bare bones right now, but I do have a mailing list in every Friday. We’re sending out a five line Friday email where we’re giving five points of encouragement, tips, challenges that all focus around how you can work on your pies right now. And we also have some courses that we’re unleashing in the future. We have a free Facebook group that people can join that they’ll find out about when they, when they joined the email list. So that is the best way to connect with me in terms of the PIES.